by Garrison Frost

White House – Senior Bush Administration officials confirmed today that a variety of U.S. intelligence agencies have accessed secret databases operated by Santa Claus to help them in their anti-terrorism efforts. Through a unique arrangement with the North Pole, the National Security Agency, the FBI and the CIA have had free access to some of the most coveted records kept by the Christmas icon, including his Naughty and Nice List.

"There are people trying to do harm to our country and our freedoms, and we have to make use of every resource possible to track these people and stop them before they do harm," said White House Spokesman Tony Snow. "This is good information, the kind we need to defeat the terrorists. I'm told that Santa does the research himself, that he checks it twice."

Civil libertarians expressed outrage upon hearing of the program.

"This is another example of the Bush Administration going into the private lives of everyday Americans with no oversight," said Noah Holiday, of the American Civil Liberties Union. "What's next, listening devices in our stockings?"

While stopping short of contending that the use of the information provided by Santa Claus might be illegal, Holiday noted that the government's program amounted to a huge intrusion upon the public's right to privacy. Congressional Democrats echoed that sentiment.

"Since we were little kids, we have all accepted, even encouraged Santa's data collection because we felt it would mean cool gifts for everybody," said Congressman Uda Lissner. "I'm sure we would never have participated in this program if we thought that the government would use it to troll through our pasts. I call on Santa to stop this surveillance."

Lissner said he would try to bring Claus to Washington to answer questions at a special hearing on the program. Claus was not available for comment but said through a very small spokesman that he would likely be too busy to make the trip to Washington until January.

Experts were divided on whether the program could provide anti-terrorist units with any valuable information, but the announcement could explain the sudden arrest last week by federal agents of Timmy Meanie, 9, of Bakersfield. Meanie, a reputed bully known to prey on smaller kids for lunch money, was arrested for conspiracy to harm the United States. He has not been allowed to speak to lawyers and is thought to be under solitary confinement at the U.S. base at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

The announcement follows on revelations that the NSA is to international telephone calls, working with telecommunications companies to track suspicious call patterns and working with private banking firms to track wire transfers.

"This is a tool, one of many we use to fight the war on terror," added Snow. He would not confirm or deny that the administration has attempted to also obtain the privileged files created by the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy.

(June 30, 2006)

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