The air of superiority

The air of superiority

by Garrison Frost

I don’t get a lot of opportunities to express my superiority over others, so I have come to appreciate the airport boarding group. Ah yes, the feeling of being in Boarding Group A for my 7 a.m. Southwest flight from Los Angeles to Oakland gives me such a thrill. To lord it over the losers in Board Group B makes me feel clever and worthy.

I’m not sure how long this current system of boarding for open seating flights has been in effect, but I know I like it, particularly when I’m smart enough to check-in online. It’s then that I get what is considered gold to the air commuter: the self-printed board pass with a big letter A on it. Not that this allows me to board in front of everyone else. Rather it just allows me to board with the first group. There’s always some obsessive compulsive sitting at the front of the line working on a laptop. You can’t beat that person – no one can. This is the same person who was first in line to see Star Wars. Rational people aren’t supposed to be ahead of this person.

Besides, I don’t have to be first in line to accrue all the benefits of being in Group A. I have merely to stand there and watch the miserable Group B-ers slowly accumulate. They did not have the foresight to print out their boarding passes the night before. They waited until they got to the airport (how old fashioned!). And they will be scrambling all over the plane looking for whatever scraps of overhead storage me and my fellow Group A-ers have left behind. They will squeeze into the middle seats while I casually flip the pages of my in-flight magazine, my legs stretching into the aisle.

And as the blood flows easily through my outstretched legs, I will think to myself about what a savvy traveler I am, what a master of Internet technology I have come to be, and how, yes, I truly deserve to be recognized for this with priority seating. After all, I tend to dress well for travel. I don’t push the limits of carry-on size. I never push the call button for the stewardess. It’s a pleasure to have me on the plane, and I like to think that the computer that assigns these boarding group priorities somehow knows that and thinks, “Oh yes, Mr. Frost, my database shows that you are a fine traveler, a winner. You should take your seat in the first group!” Indeed, I love the computer, and the computer loves me.

Alas, there have been times when I have been in Group B. Infrequent as these times are, I carry my burden with dignity, realizing as I do the tremendous mistake made by some new employee somewhere in the system. Certainly, if I were to make a stink about things the mistake would be corrected by someone with more experience. But complaining about such things is beneath me, and I know that somewhere, someone is watching my noble countenance bearing up so well. In fact, even in Group B, I continue to demonstrate the noble qualities of the Group A member. I smile at the stewardess, I carry my luggage up high to avoid hitting the heads of those already seated as I walk down the narrow aisle of the plane, and I am quick to spot the best available seats and storage space. “Wow, look at that seat he has snagged,” they must be saying. “He chose better than many of the Group A boarders.”

Even when I’m in Group B, I’m the savvy flyer, the Internet vanguard – certainly a notch better than anyone in Group C, the poor sods.

(Sept. 25, 2007)